It is November and I just drove through snow…with Christmas songs on the radio….noooooooooooo I am NOT ready!
Last year I did a webinar and blog post about how to simplify Christmas in Neurodivergent families (Read The Blog Here), navigating our overwhelm, children’s sensory overload and seeing people, going places. All of which can result in multiple meltdowns as both kids and adults’ nervous systems get overstimulated. I speak from experience as the combo of my ADHD with my youngest’s autistic brain…was at times interesting.
But it is actually relevant to all families.
My main conclusions:
Christmas is about connection, joy, and creating memories that resonate with everyone’s unique needs not picture perfect Insta.
CANCEL, SIMPLIFY….and BREATHE
Take a deep breath, embrace the imperfections, and let your neurodivergent family jingle all the way to a happy (and hopefully calm) holiday!
I’ve got another topic I want to address this year that can affect any family – it’s:
The People Pleaser Predicament.
This festive season it has struck me that so much of the pressure and exhaustion I’ve felt in the past has come from another source as well – the curse of being a People Pleaser.
Who is always trying to make everyone happy?
Only me? Falling into mega people pleaser at Christmas!!!
Like I am a people pleaser at the best of times, but Christmas….it goes into overdrive. I just want so desperately for all the family (direct and extended) to be happy that I get my stomach into twists at times…or at least I used to.
The holiday season can quickly turn into a source of immense stress for us, amazing people-pleasers. The pressure to meet expectations, attend countless social gatherings, keep everyone happy and contented, and find the perfect gifts can be very overwhelming.
This relentless pursuit of perfection often leads to burnout, anxiety, and epic sense of failure that leads to meltdowns – and anything but a happy Christmas, for us and often the people we want to please too.
It is even more important than other times to set boundaries, prioritise our well-being, and embrace imperfection to truly enjoy the holiday season rather than let the holiday stress get to you. It’s OK not to please everyone all the time; and I want to show you how to give yourself that permission.
Let’s look at some of the peak moments of people-pleaser stress at Christmas, and how to overcome them.
TOP tip:
REPEAT AS A MANTRA: I DESERVE TO ENJOY CHRISTMAS AS MUCH AS EVERYONE ELSE.
The Gift-Giving Gauntlet: Expectations and Budgets
The pressure to find the perfect present for everyone on our list can be both exciting and overwhelming. Does every single gift need to be exceptional? Can you delegate some, or agree to knock them off the list altogether?
When I didn’t have kids, I loved going to the shops and choosing gifts, spending time dreaming and enjoying the atmosphere.
Ah Ah ah…No more
Shops are too overwhelming most of the time for me, but in the run up to Christmas OMG nope, I can’t cope. The people, the music, the shelves full of stuff, the adverts…and don’t get me started on Black Friday.
TOP tip:
1. people don’t love you more because you found the perfect gift. They want you to be happy and present.
2. online shopping is your friend to cut time and stress.
The other thing that helps is to cooperate and agree with others: mutually agree not to gift anything to each other with extended family, or perhaps chipping in to create a common gift or experience for the all family. It really is OK to suggest this – and you may find that they are equally grateful to have that job off the list!
This can help to reduce the gift-giving stress, keep budgets in check, and manage our own unrealistic expectations of wanting everyone to be happy.
TOP tip:
reduce the number or make a bigger common gift or experience.
We now always buy my parents a nic meal in a restaurant or a weekend away from the all family. We just have to choose where…easier and less time consuming for everyone. And they have had lovely adventures thanks to this.
The Family Feud: Managing Conflict and Keeping the Peace
While spending time together as family or with extended family can be lovely, being cooped up inside can also lead to tension, kids fighting and family conflict. There are lots of aspects to Christmas that you wouldn’t normally experience, and it’s not surprising that being constantly in each other’s company without a break can send your nervous system into spirals.
Your nervous system needs more than ever to be looked after as a priority, especially with everything else you have going on. Prioritise some time and space that will calm your senses rather than stimulate them, and carve out some protected times when you can actively relax in this sensory calming environment.
More tips on the value of managing your energy here and sensory overwhelm at christmas here.
How can you manage family stress while also keeping your boundaries, so you are not constantly being the peacekeepers?
TOP tip:
Pick your battles: tv all day…it is holiday breathe
no energy to cook: ready meal, or living room picnic. My favourite meal growing up was sunday evening breakfast…
The Social Circuit: Juggling Parties, meals, and Performances
Do you have a list of Christmas social events to attend as long as your arms?
Instead of joy, are you feeling stress and social anxiety?
You DO NOT have to do any of it!
I repeat, you are allowed to cancel everything!!!
What do you want to do? Which events would make you happy? For the rest, just say you can not attend this time – and remember, you DO NOT have to give explanations or excuses. A simple “I’m so sorry, we can’t make it!” will do just fine.
I know it is easy to say, and hard to do, but the discomfort of sending a text or email to say no will be shorter than the stress or exhaustion of going – and so much better for your health and wellbeing (and by association, for everyone else around you too).
TOP tip:
open your calendar and pick 2 events you don’t really want to do and cancel!
The Self-Care Sacrifice: Prioritising Well-being in the Midst of busyness and Madness
All of these constant demands of gift-giving, social obligations, and family gatherings can quickly deplete our energy and mental health. When you give yourself the permission to prioritise you, as well as the others who are most important to you, you will be so much better able to navigate the holiday stress, and actually enjoy some of the good times.
To avoid burnout, it’s crucial to prioritise self-care, and to make space for regulating your nervous system. This may involve setting boundaries, delegating tasks, and scheduling quiet time for relaxation and rejuvenation. Whatever you need! Find a way to prioritise YOU. When you are calm, centred and happy, everyone else benefits as well – meaning you all have a better chance of enjoying a Christmas that’s full of connection, joy, and creating memories.
TOP tip:
Block out an afternoon or evening for YOU.
…make a deal with your kids: afternoon of gaming with snack and they leave you alone while you take a long bath….
YOU DESERVE AS MUCH AS EVERYONE ELSE TO ENJOY CHRISTMAS.
